The Roster of Disastrous Dating-101

Not so long ago, I was boasting about this famous dating list Cindy, Mindy, and I have created between late-night rounds of Margaritas by the pool. That list has become our collective epic roster of heartbreaks and disappointments. 

This secret list has the names of all the guys the three of us currently have dated or are interested in meeting with. Mindy and Cindy were eagerly contributing their fair share of incredulous dates while I was scribing them, or rather typing them in the ever-handy Google Drive. Someone will say it was a dumb activity. Well, maybe! However, we were trying to see what we were doing wrong and why; most of the time, we stumble upon guys who are not emotionally available or incapable of exploring the possibilities of being happy and satisfied. Quite a learning experience of the sort! 

How is this list supposed to work? Easy-squeezy-peasy! Instead of saying the name, descriptions, and all important details about The Guy we are gossiping about, now we can say “Number 5” or “Number 9” and then just refer to the description saved on our iPhones to see all the important details. Quite handy, right? Yup, that’s what we think too!

Soon enough, this list-building activity started shaping up into a Dummies Roster of Disastrous Dating 101! The Mint Edition! We decided to be prepared!  Now we have all the players in the dating pool, and when we would discuss our dates or what happened to them, we would just look at the list and check the damn number, edit it, or add some notes. If the date is a total sourpuss, we still won’t delete him from the list, no-no! We will archive him! I’m telling you, dating is quite a mind game of survival! 

You want an example, don’t you? Here are three random characters from our collective roster of those “grown-ass pubescent forty-five plus boys” who have imagined themselves to be “all-grown-up” 

...#6. Brucie, 

A narcissistic, self-absorbed, self-indulging, somewhat self-entitled, and definitely self-precious man in his fifties pretending to be someone he obviously is not. He possibly is gay, trying to use a “beard” instead of just refreshing his “closet.” His true intentions cannot yet be determined, discovered, or specified. The length of his prancing in this particular dating minefield is about ten months, and nothing, absolutely nothing, has happened there yet! Cindy, Dah’ling! Please, wake up and grow up! It looks like you are wasting your efforts on Brucie.

`

...#11. Jörg   

A Norwegian guy with hell-of-sexy hazel eyes and dirty-blondish hair and a significant “opening” in the row of his front teeth. Typical LaLa/Zoolander, he secretly enjoys the “down-low” and definitely can’t complicate his “simple” ways while he is somewhat hurriedly trying to woo a woman between his movie auditions and selling shabby-looking used cars. He won’t offer her a simple cup of coffee even when he invites her out to a Starbucks, or won’t open the door to the car. His intentions are somewhere there; however, they are very unclear even to himself. I don’t know why our precious Mindy hasn’t dumped him yet! It’s not going anywhere!

...#14. Felix  

A blue-eyed cynic of a frustrated man with a bruised ego of an aging and not-so-often-desired anymore Mr. Ex-Sex-Machine. He still is too comfortable in his unprovoked and freely offered casual and very habitual everyday nakedness. Felix re-lives, through the pages of his obviously favorite “adult-book-of-a-certain-entertainment-activities,” whereas back in the day, he was the front-and-center hero-performer of that book himself. While enjoying the professionally captured self-imagery of his old days and old ways’ masculine mastery, he actively hates anything or anyone with burgundy hair around the Universe, and yet somehow he is interested in me! He isn’t even making the right efforts and leaves it all to chance to be picked up by a strong-minded, domineering woman. Nope, no, thank you! Tooooo much for my cup of tea! 

Hello?! What is happening here, people? What happened to the basic desires and real human interest in one another? What happened to the desire to be better and meet that other half we are all secretly yearning for during lonely nights of self-doubt and occasional self-pity? I’m not going to go any further down through that list, because these three are enough evidence that nowadays, real boyfriends are becoming more of a rare and endangered species. Precarious, indeed! Of course, there are a few good men on that list who probably fell victim to disastrous dates of their own, and even if they won’t end up with Cindy, Mindy, or me, I wish them good luck. I love to reminisce about the movie COMING TO AMERICA and the naivete of the prince, who found his true love right in time for the closing credits. Dating in real life is so much harder. However, I am having fun, trying not to break too many hearts in the process, and sharing the ingenuity of my naivete with those who are still reading my sarcastic outbursts and having a few laughs about it all right now. It doesn’t matter where we are, in NYC, LA, or anywhere in between. Dating isn’t for amateurs, and neither am I, together with Cindy and Mindy... That’s why I’m talking about mature dating.

I’ve got to say that being mature is not about age but rather a state of mind, my friends! 

Does this ranting make one think that civilization is about to collapse, Sodom and Gomorrah are about to prevail, and the end of the proper dating world is really coming? Yup, most likely! The end of dating wouldn’t come as a big surprise here, and I think some people already bank on it. Guys who are true gems here, please do not be ruffled or annoyed by my sarcastic rant. I’m sure by now you all have dating horror stories of your own! I’m glad Cindy and Mindy are by my side, and who knows, maybe, just maybe, one of these days there will be a decent guy for each of us, and our efforts won’t be completely wasted. However, until then, I'll keep talking about the pitfalls of mature dating.

I am ending this story with a philosophical statement about searching and finding guys who wouldn’t be embarrassed to wear hearts on their sleeves to make days for their ladies brighter and shinier. That doesn't happen every time, but it is definitely worth trying. I’m hoping, just hoping that guys won’t get offended and render me as a sarcastic You-Know-What! The right guy eventually will come along and so will the right gal, and till then, just keep reading…