The Get-Rid-Of-An-Old-Boyfriend Self Therapy, or the rules of breakup. Part One

Who remembers that harmless kids' K-I-S-S-I-N-G song? “...First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes baby in a baby carriage.” Wrong! First comes love, then comes WHAT? Any guesses out here? The Breakup! Does anyone know how we girls create a perfect fantasy out of what is most likely a very ordinary date? Easily, but not without great effort! Girls are raised and praised on glittery fantasies of the Disney Princesses. He, the handsome Prince, always shows up, rescues the Damsel in distress, and after a glorious kiss, there it is - a golden, blissfully happy ever after. By the way, have we ever seen this above-mentioned baby in that carriage in any of those Disney fantasies? Nope? Not even once?! I truly wonder, why not? Are you following me here? Girls grow up, and fairy tales lose their glossy magic with time. The glass slippers, poison apples, vicious stepmothers, and goody-goody fairy godmothers in time become no longer relevant. Even the Prince has outgrown his crown and by now may not be that charming anymore!

Then one day, a very ordinary day, a girl who also grew up and blossomed, instead of the Disney Prince from her whimsical childhood fantasies, runs into him, glorious Guy from her now fading everlasting dreams. Hallelujah! He may not even look like anything or be anyone special, but what do we know? ... Suddenly there is a tingle in the pit of her stomach, and immediately the bells are ringing and stars are falling - Ching-Ching-Ching, like in Vegas. Dreamily, she thinks, “It’s him! The One, for always and forever!” There you go! We all have been there! Sometimes this scenario works, yehhh! But a lot of times - hm-hmmm! It doesn’t. Eventually, something will go south down the road, and puff!... The golden carriage will turn into a very ordinary pumpkin, the Prince may become a Beast, and let’s be fair, even the Princess can turn into the She-Monster too! Dang! Now we're going to have a different tingle in the pit of our stomach, and now we are facing our worst nightmare - The Breakup! Instead of bliss and shiny stars, there comes Bam-Wham-I'm-getting-outta-here-Ma'am! Not exactly the Disney dream but rather a down-to-Earth sour reality with a missing famous cherry on top! Not exactly a scenario for some next game show on TV, right?!

Ladies, do you follow me? Now you're going to need a Long Island Iced Tea to get you through, because multiple Mojitos aren’t strong enough! If you feel the Guy is the one who wants to do the dumping, then you better act fast. Turn all the tables on him. You dump him first, sister! Keep your radars always on! Be prepared! 

Hold on a second! Who actually invented breakups? Do they secretly teach this subject in High School, or can you learn it fast online? Something like Breakup-For-Dummies-101? 

I mean, here is a girl with all her fantasies; she already mapped out her entire life with this guy. It’s not just about the wedding dress and color of the ice figures dripping champagne on drunk guests and rowdy party crashers. She already had in her head which college her future grandkids would go to! Then suddenly, Bam - all goes up through the Chimney! Now he is busy saving the lives of the Universe! Hah, trust me, he is no Avenger - any Marvel fans here will know what I mean. He is emotionally unavailable or hasn’t grown up yet, or he is chasing a career, which is long in the past, or a whole lot of other reasons why he can’t be the Guy! Don’t excuse his unavailability! Simply, he just ain’t that much into you, sister!

Whose fault is this breakup going to be? Who will take the blame? As a female, I say the girl has to win; at least she should try, right? After all, we have a reputation to uphold and dignity to protect in the eyes of our friends, colleagues, and the entire flock of Facebook strangers we would definitely attempt to justify crying to! Never forget that icy-blue and white Facebook with all these meaningless pokes and cheery backgrounds behind your countless daily status updates! That should count for something, don't you think?

Let me think! ... What causes the breakup? Let’s say Guy can’t commit, and instead of a relationship, this unclassified turmoil evolves into a beneficial flirtationship or even a more ridiculous situationship - that is more than just friendship and way less than what you really want. One day, a girl gets fed up and takes charge. “It’s time,” she says, “shape up or ship the hell out! I’ve just had it!” While he, the modern prince of her now about-to-be-crashed dreams, is still not ready to shape up and is trying to latch on to the whimsical straws of the forever-friendship myth, while coming up with all sorts of lousy excuses. Why? Because he is selfishly comfortable the way things are now, and why change anything anyway, right? That's what you would think! Wrong! He still isn’t ready; he may never be ready. He doesn’t know how to do the entire dating the right way. The entire concept of relationships scares him and makes him anxious. Let's not forget - he is under the severe influence of wrong friends, doesn’t know how to broadcast on Instagram or Snapchat, as girls do to get social validation, and is just drowning in his insecurities. Really? That's what you want to give him?!! I’m repeating! Stop the excuses! He isn’t that much into you! Grow up, girl! 

Now that girl has to pull double duty! Not only does she just have to come to terms with her feelings and headaches, but she also has to stage a breakup, analyze the possible outcome, maybe even create an online forum and role-play what she will say to him and what he possibly can choke up and cough back in his defense, and whether her besties are going to approve it at all. Sometimes she is inclined to protect his feelings too, so he won’t bruise his ego that much. Even worse, she still keeps the fantasy going that he will somehow grow up and return to crumbling-down Dreamland to save the day! He won’t! I say, stop mothering him, girl; he ain’t your baby in that damn carriage from the expired time-worn Disney Dreams! Let him have it! Lay it straight on him! Let him fall on his behind and feel how hard he’ll land on the ground of his new realities. Maybe then he will feel half of your pain at least. Breakups are a hard business; it’s not for rookies! I repeat, wake up, girl! He ain’t that much into you! Don’t waste your time! Your tickets to Disney Paradise have expired by now. 

You see what I’m saying here? Breakups are not for rookies! Keep on reading, and next time I’ll share with you all the painful rules of a breakup!